Where’d you go?

Sometimes when I’m surrounded by the darkness that is my Depression and PTSD, I find myself singing Fort Minor’s song “Where’d you go” and internalizing it to my situation. Living with mental health issues sometimes feels like I’m a completely different person. It has me questioning if I’ll ever completely find myself, who I was before the suffering. When I play this song…I’m think about one person, me; the past, present and future me…in the hopes of rediscovering myself.

Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.

She said “Some days I feel like sh%t,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,”
I don’t understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
‘Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin’ my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don’t have much to say,
So, I want you to know it’s a little f&@%ed up,
That I’m stuck here waitin’, at times debatin’,
Tellin’ you that I’ve had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing “Where’d you go?”

I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,
Please come back home…

Some days are better than others and on the more difficult days, I now have the strength to think, “I’m not myself today, but that’s ok!” In retrospect, I definitely would not have been able to say that during the last couple of years. I thank God for the support and progress I’ve been making since last year, before my diagnosis.

What’s changed? Well first of all, I’m no longer suffering in silence. It’s out there. Talking about it helps. Writing about it helps. With every day that goes by, the weight of the stigma I had placed on myself due to my PTSD and Depression dissipates.

Secondly, I’ve grown accustomed to seeing my psychologist on a regular basis. To borrow a term from a friend, I love going to see my paid friend. Some visits I have lots to talk about and sometimes I don’t. Regardless it feels good to talk; to have my feelings reflected back to me. Therapy is a safe space for me to self-assess and heal.

Thirdly, can be summed up in one word, medication. I’ve recently decided to take medication for my symptoms again. This wasn’t an easy decision. After a year of making progress, I often found myself being consumed with the familiar symptoms of my PTSD and Depression. I was reluctant to get back on medication because it felt like a step backwards for me. It felt as though I had failed myself and my family. After many discussions with my wife and many nights of self-assessment, I finally got the courage to pick up the phone and talk to my doctor. Within a day I was back on my medication and….wow what a difference. The edge I was always feeling has left. I know medication is not the lone solution to my mental health issues. However, it is an important tool in my personal journey towards healing.

I feel like a tree shedding its leaves before winter in order to grow more resilient to the harsh & beautiful realities of life.

Thanks for listening,

Your Bearded Cop

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2 thoughts on “Where’d you go?

  1. Thank you for speaking up, you have more courage than I. I still feel like talking about it to others makes me “wrong” and abnormal. I’m glad you are finding your way, using all the tools you can find. Medication can be the difference between learning how to cope and putting it into practice. Easier to think and concentrate on what needs to be done, when that heavy feeling is lessened. Thank you for all you do, and will continue to do in many aspects of your life.

    Liked by 1 person

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